The Age Old Question of Why? Depression- Mental Health

The question why? It is always the one thing that we all want to know and it’s the one thing that I have been struggling with lately.

Your probably wondering where I have been. Actually, your probably not, it’s not like I have the fan base of a Kardashian LOL. Well, to be honest, I haven’t done much. These past few weeks I have felt shitty. As you know, I have been documenting how I have been feeling since I was diagnosed. I was worried everything would start to blur together so I thought it was important to document how I felt, my side effects of the medications, the good times, the bad and what gets me through the day. These past three weeks I have been going down hill and I have no idea why.

It’s amazing, my illness doesn’t seem (I don’t think) to effect me when I am at work, but once I am home it's a different story. Lately, I have felt the symptoms of low mood, being extremely tired, loss of interest in things that I enjoy and loss of appetite.

Ive watched my energy basically go out the window day by day. First I thought I was getting sick, then I thought maybe I am just tired or just getting use to my new routine and but at the beginning of week number 3 I knew something was wrong. I knew I needed to book a doctors appointment.

I spoke to the doctor on Thurday and I explained to him how I was feeling. I explained that I love to do yoga but I have to force myself to get there. I explained that after the class is over and I am supposed to be all high on endorphins that I feel nothing. All I want to do is sleep (which as you know from the summer, it’s the complete opposite of how I felt. Before I could not sleep) . I explained that I come home from work and I don’t want to read or paint or watch tv. I just want to sit there and relax and not have to concentrate on anything. Basically, I just want to go to sleep.

“Basically, I just want to go to sleep”

Obviously this isn’t good. Another reason that I knew something was off, was because I was having trouble getting up again. Don’t get me wrong, I am getting up early but I am not up and ready to take on my day. I get up and all I want to do is go back to bed. I don’t want to make lunch, I don’t want to get ready. I just want to curl up and close my eyes and go to sleep.

I haven’t been enjoying my meditation and I haven’t enjoyed getting ready in the morning.

Thursday morning, I didn’t even put make up on. I had my coffee, my mediation and took to long giving myself a pep talk that it was either make up or be late. We chose no make up.

Friday was the same story. The struggle was real getting out of bed. I didn’t make coffee, I didn’t meditate. I didn’t have time. I literally got up, took my dog outside and had to rush to get dressed and get out the door. Again no make up. I was just so tired.

Thats how I knew my depression was settling back in . The question though is…..Why?

“Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities.”

— Mayoclinic.org

I am honestly happy. I am enjoying my new job, I love my little Mikeus. I have a supportive partner. I have wonderful friends. I am planning a trip to Bali. I have no excuse or reason to be depressed.

This is what I can’t wrap my head around. Why?

We as humans usually try to make sense of everything. You get sick, it’s usually because you came in contact with germs or a virus. Your work out to hard, you know your muscles are going to hurt. You drink to much booze, you know your going to feel like shit the next day. Usually, we know the answers. If we don’t, we try to figure it out.

This is one thing that I don’t have an answer too and I really struggle with already being aware of the fact that I probably wont ever know the answer. Why am I depressed?

Trauma can bring on depression. Chemical imbalance can bring it on. The part that I struggle with is how does one go from feeling sooo shitty to starting to feel so great. Then all of sudden plateau and start to go backwards.

Right now, I can not pin point a cause.

This is why my doctor and I decided that we needed to increase my anti-depressants.

Here we go again. Increased dosage, no clue what the side effects will be (oh boy, now you can hear my anxiety coming out).

The struggle is real right now. My biggest struggle is just not knowing and not understanding. I have worked so hard to find ways to manage “the struggle”. To learn to relax, to accept that this is a thing and it’s ok because I am not alone. I feel that I have accepted those things. I have learned that its going to take work to be happy. You have to know when to relax, when to push yourself to do something active and when to just relax or as Jim Demeray founder of UnderstandUs explained in a video this week, “ you need to know when to release some of the water from your cup”.

The piece that I still struggle with, is how did this happen? Where did this start? What caused me to feel this way? Why I am not better? I just want to know. What can I do to avoid these feelings? How can I enjoy doing things? It’s a lot harder than just “talk yourself out of it”. I have to talk myself out of not going back to bed every day, let alone trying to convince myself that working out will be fun.

This is 100% a journey. I know that, but I had the expectation that the bad or “low” times would come as a day here or a day there. I didn’t have the expectation that I would be a declining zombie again.

That being said, as “depressy” as I feel I still have a lot to be thankful for. As mentioned before, I have the best friends, a supportive family and my boys (Chase and Mike).

I am looking forward to this long weekend, I am looking forward to my new dosage of meds to start settling in and to hopefully get these happy endorphins up!!

The up side to this is, I have been much lower and realistically you can only go up from here.

For anyone who has gone through this before, how do you feel? Is this a thing? Have you gone through something similar. Send me a DM or leave a comment I would love to know.

To my fellow Canadians, I wish everyone a “Happy Thanksgiving” remember to take some time to think about what you are thankful for and take some time for yourself. Kickback and relax even if its just for a few mins.

Cheers everyone, as I take a quick sip of water and an extra 37.5 mg of my Effexor.

Till next time

…peace and love

J