" My name is Jenna, I am sick but that's Ok"
It all became very real on June 17, 2019. That was the day that I was diagnosed with “Extreme Anxiety” and “Extreme Depression”.
My day started off in a panic. I tried for two hours to get out of bed and I could not bring myself to move. I ended up convincing myself at 8:30 am that if I got up and checked my work phone, and there was no emails or calls from a customer that I could go back to bed. Like always, once I convinced myself to get up, I was up. I went down to my office, turned my phone on and connected my VPN to my laptop. I now started my day, very similar to every other day. Im in pjs, trying to get my life together so that I can start working. I am now crying uncontrollably. I just sat there and cried. I had no idea why.
That day was different though, normally I start crying at the end of the day for no reason. That had been my norm for a quite awhile, tears; and no idea where they come from. I knew I couldn’t live life like this anymore. I remember feeling sick of being sick and called the doctor to book an appointment. They answered and told me I could not see my doctor until September. I told them, I needed a follow up appointment to discuss my mental health. They said I could come in at 11:00 am.
But for now, lets back track to the beginning - well, kind of.
If you were to ask any of my close friends or family, they would probably tell you that I am confident, super out going, funny, energetic and probably a little selfish. All of these attributes are true. I think of my self in all of these ways. What they wouldn’t tell you is I am extremely anxious, uncomfortable, nervous and that I question my abilities on absolutely everything.
Looking back, as a kid I was nervous about a lot of things. I was always nervous about exams. I would get sick and need to stay home, I didn’t learn how to ride a bike until I was older. I just told people I didn’t want to learn, in reality I was probably afraid of falling off. I never played sports because I didn’t think I was good enough. I did find dance though, and that was something that I loved. I ended up dancing my entire childhood and later in life, made some of my closest friends because of the dance community. I guess that was my thing, I was out going, friendly, blonde and the dancer of my group of friends. That was my niche.
Actually, hold up here! Looking back, thats not all true, I did play basket ball for a couple of years. I ended up being on the winning team for my entire basketball career, but I think thats because they always needed at least 1-2 shitty people on the team to even out the roster hahah. Its all good, I was still on the winning team for 3 years LOL. So there we go. I danced and played basket ball for a couple of years haha.
As I got older, I remember always having stomach aches. My parents always said, “It's just nerves” which is true, I was probably nervous. I would get nervous about going out with friends, going to birthday parties and spending time with friends and meeting new people. In reality, that was probably my anxiety. When it came to boys and dating, I didn’t feel good enough. I always felt that I was “Mrs. Right Now” and not necessarily someone that a person would want to be with long term. As I grew older, that shaped my decision on how I acted. I also remember always being on one end of the spectrum when it came to emotions, I was always really happy, but if something bad happened - I would be on the other side. If shit got to be real bad, I would probably cry. I am either bawling, super happy or my stomach hurts. That was my life.
Reflecting back on this, I realize I have been dealing with this shit my entire life, I just assumed that what I felt, was what everyone else felt. I could go on for days about my symptoms and my childhood, but I think I should focus on when I noticed that shit in my life was really starting to change, and not for the better.
Just over two years ago, my life completely changed. I turned 30, I was promoted, a relationship I was in for a long time ended and I ended up living on my own. I was living in another city and started seeing someone I use to date when I was in high school. We fell head over heels for each other, very quickly. We started dating and within months I decided that I wanted to move back to Regina. I wanted to be closer to him, all my childhood friends and my family. Everything changed within a 6 month period. I was lucky that a position opened up in Regina within my company. I applied, I gave up my promotion and I moved back! I am beyond excited!! I am living with my boyfriend, I can see my sister whenever I want, I can pop in to see my family and it is super easy to catch up with friends. Chase and I saved up and we started building a house that winter! I am on top of the world when it comes to being happy and having everything I would ever want.
Over time, I found that I didn’t want to do anything. I was living just outside the city and I found it was such a bother to go into the city and I would talk myself out of going to visit friends or seeing my family. I was ignoring phone calls and calling people back when I felt like it. I also found I was sleeping - LIKE SLEEPING A LOT! Don’t get me wrong, I love sleep and my bed is one of my fav places on earth, but I found that I could not commit to hanging out with any of my friends or family before noon because that would interfere with the sleep that I got. If I didn’t get enough sleep, I would feel anxious, I would think that I would have shit day at work . I didn’t go out on the weekend often because I was worried the next week I would feel tired or I would feel useless.
In all honesty, my friends got use to it. They just accepted that I wasn’t a morning person and I don’t commit to anything in the morning and that I wouldn’t commit to much in the evening because I hated feeling over whelmed with to many things to do.
Lucky me - they just got it. I have the best friends in the whole world who just get me and accept me for who I am.
In the fall of this year, our house was finished and we were able to move in . I was so happy to finally have my own space. Immediately, I became a home body and loved being at home. In my defence, our house was finished in November and our Saskatchewan winters are freezing - so no one wants to go out!! We also had just recently got a dog, and our little Mikey needed someone to take care of him. It was the perfect “out” for me.
“I didn’t want to be around anyone. I was getting annoyed”
As my illness got worse, I found that not only did I not want to go out, but when I forced myself to go out, I didn’t want to be around anyone. I was getting annoyed by my closest friends and just wanted to be at home. I was honestly starting to think that maybe I was growing apart from my friends and that I was just changing as a person. I also found that I was not going to the gym as much, I wasn’t going to yoga or barre class, I couldn’t, as I was so tired and just felt, well super blah. For those that don’t know, I work in the advertising industry. I was in sales at the time and was required to visit my clients, help them build marketing strategies and of course sell them products from our company if they were missing a part of the suggested strategy. I worked with clients across the entire province, so I traveled a lot. I looooved my job, but I was starting to feel that I was extremely shitty at it. I felt that I wasn’t good enough and that I was failing my company, failing my manager, failing my clients and ultimately, failing myself.
I was lucky, and unlucky at the same time. People at work had no idea that I was feeling this way. My performance wasn’t overly effected and because of my flexible work schedule, if I started later in the morning, I could work later at night. So no one was the wiser. Along side periodically struggling to get out of bed, having a low mood, no energy I also started to get panic attacks. Again, mild panic was something I experienced my entire life.
The panic got more severe when Chase and I went on vacation in March 2019. We were on the plane and I had a minor panic attack. You know the feeling, you get all hot, think you’re going to throw up, your stomach aches, you’re looking to see where the airplane bags are, where the bathroom is, etc. You know, that feeling. I breathed it out, had a cocktail and it went away. Closer to the end our trip, I had another one. (Side note: Chase and I were the last to arrive in Mexico, which meant that we got to spend two extra days there after our friends left.) On our friends last day, we said good bye to them and ran back to the beach to order a corona. I don’t know if I started to think about real life back home, but all of a sudden I was drinking my beer, I felt really sick and hot. It felt like heat stroke, except I couldn’t have heat stroke, I was barely outside!! After 15 mins of this feeling and not wanting to go back to my hotel room, I sat in a shady part of the pool and it eventually went away. (Side note again, later I learned that when you’re having a panic attack, its good to wash your hands or face with cold water, as the temperature change shocks the body and causes your brain to think about something else.)
The next day, as Chase and I were waiting for our cab to arrive to take us to the airport, it happened again. Except this time, I had no water. I had already dumped my water bottle and had to breath out this mess. It lasted for about 45 mins. I thought I was going to puke the entire way to the airport. It was seriously - THE WORST. I started to question why this was happening. I am not afraid of flying, I love traveling. It made no sense to me.
Chase and I made it back to Saskatchewan, I went back to work and got back to the daily grind. Our first weekend after being back, we went to a friends place for supper. We had some drinks, a good dinner and good conversation. I ended up blacking out on the ride home. My next memory is me bawling my face off in our ensuite bathroom, my boyfriend is having to restrain me, I am loosing my shit. I am hot, throwing up and in a full on panic mode. He had no idea what the fuck was happening. Quite frankly, neither did I. It came out of no where. That was the worst panic attack to date that I have ever experienced. I literally had no control over my body and I was completely loosing it. Again - I had no idea where this came from.The next day, he asked if I was oh k, I said I was and we didn’t really address it again.
I found as the weeks went on, I started crying at the end of the day. I felt frustrated, tired, mad, upset and no idea where any of this shit was coming from. I also found that certain people would make me so anxious that I would need to leave. I was starting fights with my boyfriend, crying when things didn’t go my way and was just miserable. It was getting so bad. The first two weeks of June were probably the worst. Now it was starting to affect my job, when a stressful situation would come up regarding one of my clients, I would not want to deal with it. I would put it off and sometimes just say I need help. That was not me. I usually can handle things head on. Things just got worse and worse.
This was right before the panic started.
Chase & Jenna waiting for their cab in Mexico
Now, lets back track. Back to June 17. I called the doctors office and told them I needed to speak to someone regarding my mental health. I was bawling and shaking on the phone. I continued to cry the entire way to the doctor. I arrived at the clinic, saw one of the doctors and explained everything. I told him, “I need help, I don’t know what is going on”. I explained that all of a sudden, it seemed as if things were out of control. I always had been able to keep myself and my anxiety in check but lately I just don’t know what to do.
My doctor suggested that I take some time off work. He said I needed to relax and get myself back on track. He prescribed an antidepressant as part of my long term plan, and prescribed Ativan for the short term plan. The Ativan was for my panic and anxiety. To put it into perspective, my friend who was prescribed Ativan was given 15 pills and was told to use them in emergency panic states. I was given 40 and told I could take up to 3 of them a day if I needed. That being said, I only usually took 1, but still. It gives you an idea of my state of mind.
Not going to lie, I was anxious to call my work and provide them with my doctors note. I felt ashamed. I felt that I was being weak for requesting the time. I also was anxious that I would be judged and not be viewed as a viable candidate for promotions in the future . In the end, I knew I needed this. I accepted it and submitted my letter to HR.
After I spoke to my manager, I took my first Ativan. I was crying while I was on the phone with her. Within seconds the tears immediately stopped. The pill kicked in right away and I had never felt a sense of calm like that in my entire life. I am telling you, that in 32 years I had never felt at ease like this. It was the most wild experience.
I hate medication, so I was really worried to start doing all of this. I decided that I needed to start journalling. This way I could document my feelings, and keep track of how I felt on the medication. I was very worried that my days would start blurring together. This is when the real wild ride started. The first night I tried to sleep on my medication, I felt as if I had restless leg syndrome. I also couldn’t sleep. It was the worst. I went from sleeping all the time, to now sleeping from 10:30 pm to 1 am and then being wide awake until 6 am. Then, I would fall back to sleep until 10-10:30 am. Great, how am I ever going to get better if I can’t sleep. Another request of my doctors was to apply for this online counselling course. The course deals with anxiety and depression. Due to having low concentration, I think it took me about a week to apply. Then another week to get in. This was probably a good thing as my first two weeks I was a complete mess.
Journaling kept me in check.
Coffee, Journal Meditate…repeat
As I was getting use to my medication, my symptoms got worse. I couldn’t watch tv, I couldn't read a book. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. My days commenced of me waking up, journalling then sitting on the couch and staring out the window with my dog mike. I’m not talking staring for a few minutes, I am talking I would end up doing this for hours. I am sure I legit looked like a complete crazy person. There was a couple times that Chase came home from work, walked up our stairs and said “Hey, Jenn. Are you ok”. My response was always “Oh ya, just relaxing over here”.
So I didn’t go completely mental. I decided I needed to assign myself 3 tasks a day so I could be some what productive. Sometimes those tasks would consist of 1) Do the dishes 2) Take Mike for a walk 3) Have a shower. It was crazy, sometimes I would accomplish all 3 and sometimes I could only do 1 or two. It helped give me some sort of normalcy (is that even a word? I am not sure - you get what I mean).
The next thing that happened was I had no appetite. I wasn’t hungry, like not at all. I had to force myself to eat. Now, I usually eat a lot. I looove Mcdonalds and ice cream. So again, this wasn’t normal for me. I had very small little meals usually twice a day. I was suppose to have breakfast, lunch and supper. I found myself having a light brunch and supper. The three most important things for anyone is proper sleep, exercise and having a proper diet. Literally right now, I couldn’t accomplish any of these things.
I also found that I couldn’t leave my house for more than a couple hours. I would get so anxious when I was out and about that I would need to leave. I would just get that feeling that I needed to go home. I have always been a social person, so again this was not normal for me. One situation that comes to mind is I was taking my mom to the doctor. I got up, picked her up and took her to the appointment. She offered to take me for brunch, I declined and said I would just come over for something light. (Again, not normal. I love brunch and love going to restaurants). I remember being there, chatting and just started to cry. She asked if something was wrong. I told her nothing and this just happens. Looking back, I feel bad because I could tell that she felt bad that there wasn’t anything she could do, but listen and hug me. I then took her to Walmart to get her prescription. Within 20 minutes I had to leave. I told her I just needed to go home. We were going to stop by cobs bread for fresh bread. I changed my mind and took her home and went home. The funny part was, I needed bread. Nope, not today. To bad, no bread for us. I came home and took an Ativan to calm myself down. I remember coming home, taking the pill and laying on the couch with my dog, Mike.
Social media really started to take a toll on me too. If I watched snap chat, the idea of being around people made me anxious. I had to stop checking social media and I even deactivated my Facebook account for a bit. I just didn’t want to be around any of it. Again, those that know me, know that these are not normal habits.
If I wanted to accomplish anything, I almost needed to take something to calm me. I felt like I had butterflies in my stomach 24/hours a day. Your know something is wrong when you need Ativan to do the dishes or sort your laundry. I tried going to a yoga class and had an anxiety attack in a yin/yang class. Why? I have no idea. I was able to breath it out, but the rest of the class was not the same.
“I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. I didn’t want anyone’s sympathy ”
After a couple of weeks of this mess of a life, I tried to go out. I knew I needed to get out of the house. A good friend of ours was getting married. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to be around all of my close friends. At this time, I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. I didn’t want anyone’s sympathy and due to the wedding, I didn’t want to take away from her special day. The start of the day was really good, I met up with friends for lunch and drinks and then we went to the wedding. Around 6 pm I started to feel really anxious. I was trying not to drink and avoiding doing shooters. I felt like I was going to cry for no reason. I was hot, flustered and anxious. By 8:30 Chase and I needed to sneak out of the wedding and go home so I could take two Ativan and relax. My life was a mess. How could I not be around my closest friends. The other weird thing was, I tried again to go out the next day and was perfectly fine. The next day I was around complete strangers and stayed out the entire night. I don’t know if it was because I didn’t need to worry what people thought about me. They didn’t know me or what I was like normally. They wouldn’t know if I was acting any different or not. Who knows?
The following week, I started face to face therapy. I didn’t know how this was going to go. Before this day, I had already saw 4 different therapists over the course of my life. Number 5 was completely different. For privacy sake, I am going to call my therapist Rachel. Rachel is fucking awesome. She use to be the head of psychology in a penitentiary. She is bad ass and I knew she had seen some people who were way more crazy than me.
Rachel and I hit it off right away. Along side talking, she taught me to think of things in a different light. She felt very real to me. She didn’t judge and just seemed to know things about me. I swear to god that she is empathic or psychic or something. She can just pick things up. I also love that she suggests for me to do different “holistic things”. She isn’t religious, but she follows the Buddhist philosophy to life. One of the things she taught me to do was meditate. That was a game changer. I started mediating in the morning, and again in the evening. For a week, every time I mediated I would add 1 more minute. The goal was to eventually get to 20 minutes uninterrupted. I downloaded an app called insight timer and it’s the frickin best!! This app has a timer, guided meditations and other mindfulness practices.
Click here to download!
My weekly visits with Rachel were something that I started to look forward too. Between talking with her, meditating and then journalling, I learned so much about myself. My online course seemed to focus a lot on the science and theory behind these illnesses which I also liked. They offered suggestions on how breath and think differently. Again, the practices were different to my other therapy so I found that I was learning so much from each.
Where am I now? Well, I am still taking medication. I have my antidepressant, I take another mediation for my anxiety, I still see Rachel and log into my online course once a week. I meditate daily and journal multiple times a week. I try to journal daily, but I find that some days I write nothing and others I write multiple times a day. A few weeks ago, I started back to work. I started on half days and moved my way up to full time days.
While being off on leave, a job opening became available within my company. It was a position outside of sales and within our marketing department. I was anxious to apply, but I did anyway.
My second week back to work, I had my interview. I felt confident in my interview. I addressed the elephant in the room. They all knew I had been off, but didn’t know the reasons why. I felt it was important to share my journey and where I want to go in the future. I was later offered that promotion. I am very proud of that.
I didn’t give up. I knew I wanted to get better, I wanted to be happy and I wanted to be present in a life that made me happy. I started pushing myself to do things out of my comfort zone. I went to an art class and now I have supplies and paint at home. I built this website and started this blog. I am going out again! I am having fun and I find that I have willpower to say no things that are going to interfere with my happiness. It wasn’t easy, but I am happy. I feel that I am able to give Chase, my family and my friends “the Jenna” that they deserve again.
This is going to be an on going battle, I know that. I just want to shed some light on a topic that I feel people tend to not want to talk about. If anything, I hope that one person reads this and knows that they are not alone. We all have demons and we all battle. We don’t have to do this alone. There are others going through this and there are multiple ways for you to get help. You just have to have the desire to want to get better and the motivation to try.
xox
