It's OK to Struggle.
“I am struggling”
I have been absent for a little while. The truth is, I am struggling.
I am not meditating, I am not working out, I am not following my diet the way I should be.
I am tired, I sleep a lot, I am not doing art, I have to force myself to get off my phone and pick up a book. I barely journal. Seriously, the only thing keeping me sane is going to work and doing reiki for others.
My medications doses have increased, I am up to four 75mg of Effexor and also taking two or 20MG of Buspirone.
The thing about work is, I am in control. I have a to-do list, I work on teams and I am in control of the output at work. Reiki gives me a sense of motivation because I know I am helping someone else.
My poor home life, I barely cook. I don’t do the kitchen overhaul when it gets messy. If the dishes have been unloaded I will put my dishes in the washer but I am too tired to take the time to clean. Where did this tiredness come from? Is it the pandemic? Is it the fact that we have just recently passed blue Monday? I don’t know. What I do know, is I have been sharing this with a lot of people and I know I am not the only one who feels this way.
What else is new with me? Here is a new fact, I am also seeing a psychiatrist. She works in Moose Jaw, due to the winter storms we have only had a phone appointment and have not met in person. I have another phone appointment with her in February and will be meeting her in March. She seems great, but to be honest the appointments are strange. Our first appointment was her asking a lot of questions, we only have 30 minutes, so I am not sure how she actually has the ability to get the information that she needs to assess.
The thing about everything is, I know I am not well. I know this isn’t right. The issue I have, is how do I fix it? I am giving up my favorite things to sleep. I wake up in the morning, to give myself enough time for a coffee, and to wash my face. Then I rush into my home office to work.
How can I have the same discipline towards my own life as what I do for work? Why is sleeping more important than getting up to journal and meditate and have my “me time”.
I wasn’t going to post this story, I am close to a lot of people I work with outside of work, so I know this will be read and leaked into the office. I don’t want to come across as weak, or that I can not handle my workload or the projects that I have taken on. I love my job. I am not weak, and I know it is not my job that is making me feel this way. As mentioned before, it is my job that is giving me the purpose to be up. Otherwise, I would just be sleeping.
I want my blog to be honest and real about what it is like to have this illness. If I just post about the positive, or the things I am doing or have done to make me feel good or healthy isn’t right. I know it will help someone, I know that, because it will create hope and understanding that things get better. However, thats not enough, in my opinion. When I heard that Dax Shepard shared that he fell off the wagon with sobriety, and he was honest enough to share his new journey. I knew I should be honest too. That was my push to post this.
I think that it is important to put out to the world that this is the reality of depression and anxiety. Your medication will not just be the magic fix that will make your depression and anxiety go away. It doesn’t work like that, this really is a journey. It’s a battle and the individuals who have this awful mind disease will have to deal with it, and combat it every day. We have to work at it. We have to take it in strides. We have to notice when we feel good and when we don’t. Yes, we should rest, but we also have to keep trying.
So, what do I do now? I have no idea.
I know the only thing I can continue to do, is try. Friday night, I fell asleep on the couch watching a program. When Chase got home from work at 7:00 am on Saturday, he woke me up and I went to bed. I slept until noon. I then got up, had coffee, hung out with my dogs, journaled in my dream journal, and then took a nap on the couch from 1:30 -5:30 pm. Chase ordered us a pizza (it was delicious, but goes against my diet. For those wondering, it was 1/2 dill pickle and 1/2 chicken, bacon ranch). Chase went to work, and I watched more programs, fell asleep after midnight on the couch. I then woke up at 4:45, let my dogs outside, and went to bed. I woke up at 9:00 am today. This is good. Yes, I am proud of that. I didn’t physically get up until closer to 10:00 am, but I was up and that’s a win. I have said it before, you have to acknowledge the small wins or you will never survive this battle.
Realistically, I think I may have to go back to the early days of my treatment when I was diagnosed. I haven’t had a therapy session since November. I should book an appointment for that. I should start writing 3 goals for myself daily. They will be small, but you have to start somewhere.
1) Go for a walk
2)Have a shower
3) Have breakfast and lunch.
These little steps helped me a lot last time and I think it’s time to do them again. I may not wait for my appointment at the end of February to speak to my psychiatrist. This whole wanting to sleep all the time, isn’t really working for me.
If I am not going to work out or do yoga, I need to do something. Bundle up and go for a 15-minute walk in the yard. Stretch, my massage therapist would love that. I haven’t been stretching so now my knee hurts.
I need to help around the house too. Maybe it is to move all the dishes from the island to the counter or wash the items that can not go into the dishwasher. I can’t continue to leave it all for Chase, I know that.
Either way, the purpose of this post is to address the fact that things are not perfect, I know that. I will continue to work hard and try my best to get out of this slump. Hopefully, writing this will keep me accountable to try and to work towards the three little goals that I need to make for myself.
Remember, if you struggle with depression or anxiety or both you are not alone. We are all in this together. We got this!
xox
Peace, Love & Light
Jenna
“Positive Mind - Positive Vibes - Positive Life”